Wide Awake

I haven’t slept.

I’m not sure how long I’ve been awake at this point, I’m delirious and dazed. I want to sleep so badly, but I can’t.

I thought about cleaning. To be honest, I usually suck at keeping house, but ever so often I get in a tangent and then everything is supercleaned, in a “take an old toothbrush to the corners of the floor” kind of way. But I don’t want to.

All I want to do is not feel anything. I’ve cried so much I’m surprised I have any fluids left inside me. When will I start getting over this hurt?

The worst of it is I feel like I was a fool. That I loved him and he felt nothing all along. And I really want to believe it’s for the best, but for now, all I feel is abandoned, betrayed, and stupid. Because if he felt the way he said he did, he couldn’t have done this to me. But he did, so… he didn’t care. And he doesn’t now. I’m suffering, and crying, and shriveling up inside and he’s playing video games, going on vacation, and hanging out with friends like always.

That sounds bitter because it is.

Waiting for the girls to get up. They’re the only sunshine in my world these days. Everything else is bogged down with that black betrayal fog that he left over everything.

Sorry for whining. I get weepy when I don’t sleep.

Has Anyone Ever Written Anything For You by Stevie Nicks

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