Today was my girls’ birthday party. I wasn’t able to get them anything for the first time ever, and I feel like a failure. I invited a ton of people, and only two of my friends showed with their kids, and only my mom out of my family. Mostly it was kids from the neighborhood.
And I missed you. I miss you all the time but there are certain times, important times, that I miss you so much I don’t want to go on. Times that I want to bury myself into a hole and stop existing.
But, like every other day for the last 110 days, you weren’t here.
It’s hard to face that I meant nothing to you. That you meant so much that even after everything, I still wish I could share important days with you. Or the little days. Like lying in the grass holding hands, or listening to Konstantine. Or just being.
I’ve been so sick. Besides the depression, my gall bladder is causing problems. And I think: If I have to have surgery, and they put me to sleep, and I die, would you even know? Would it even make you pause? The sad truth is… it wouldn’t.
I tied up my self worth in you, and now that I am worth nothing to you, I don’t know how to keep going. How do I keep living? How do I wake up, every day, in a world where I am worth nothing to you? Which is odd because, obviously, I’ve lived in that world this whole time. But I didn’t know. I miss not knowing. Ignorance really is bliss.
Kid still misses you, Doc.