It’s my birthday. I honestly do not care. I have lost the ability to be excited about things. But I’ve (mostly) stopped the crying thing. It comes in shorter bursts, and sometimes over the weirdest things like I was reading a Christopher Pike book and it made me miss him so bad I wanted to die.
I was at the disability doctor appointment waiting for the doctor to come in, which he did right after it happened and asked in that kind of hesitant voice “…Are you doin’ alright today, Ms. Mays?” to which I replied “I… just haven’t felt well lately.” Because really… what could I say?
Waiting on the psych appointment, but Families First approved the medical version of that so I’m going to fax the acceptance letter to the Disability people as an official “She is incapacitated.” letter from a government office. Couldn’t hurt, right?
My friend @verilyvexed and I have joked about making a Community comic based on her original idea of drawing the dean dressed up as Jessica Rabbit. When she mentioned this I immediately got ideas for what the study group would wear: Jeff would be a sexy priest, which would piss Shirley off, Ritta would be Ishtar, which would piss Shirley off… Shirley would take the opportunity to do something VERY over the top Christian, which is very her, Pierce would wear some sort of official uniform for the Neo Buddhist Lazer Lotus group looking like an extra from the set of Barbarella, and Troy and Abed would organize a schoolwide easter egg hunt. The dean would appear singing and draping himself on the doorway, one knee up and say “I’m not bad, I’m just DEANED that way!” Then “Get it?” then waving his hand and chuckling while he tells him the ridiculous idea he had for easter to use as an excuse to be Jessica Rabbit because he forgets that she isn’t even a real rabbit. It’s the first thing I’ve really wanted to write in a very long time.
Only a couple of people have wished me a happy birthday so far. Like I said, I’m not really excited about it. There’s really only one person I’d like to contact me today, and I’m more likely to join the set of Doctor Who than for him to even pretend I ever meant anything to him.
Was that bitter? Yeah… that reads as bitter. But the emotion behind it is numb. I feel nothing. But apparently my fingers are still hurt and humiliated at least.
Oh and as an addendum to yesterday’s post: I actually semi-helped with the tree, Kiera broke two red globes but that’s it, they put out the cloth manger scene, my ex DID move around my living room furniture and I actually kinda like it, and I didn’t go nazi-decorator on them. Though I DID have to gripe at them about putting the homemade decorations front and center because SPECIAL!!! and to put the delicate glass decorations closer to the bottom to cut down on the broken ones.
A really funny story about today though:
Cali and Kiera have been picking at each other all day. After yet another argument, I said their names in a warning tone. They were silent for a minute, then Kiera said, “I’m sorry, Cali.” Cali, in a polite tone, responded, “It’s alright, Kiera. Why’d you have to be so rude?” After another short pause, they both started singing, “Why’d you have to be so rude? Don’t you know I’m human tooooo?” Which is this song if you didn’t already know. And how can I get mad at them when they’re starring in their own personal musical? I can’t. That’s the correct answer.
So, I’ve been trying not to bitch and whine about my cursed romance as much, as you can see. Hopefully I’m at least entertaining.
Anyway, the whole “Community” comic came up because @verilyvexed wished me a happy birthday and that the next year will be great to which I said something along the lines of “it’s gotta be yeesh” and she said it will be because she’s a level 47 Lazer Lotus Buddhist and she said it will be so. Then we went on about The IT Crowd and Joel McHale and Community some more and somehow along that I saw they have a The Big Bang Theory porn parody and I was all “WHY??? thE FUUUUCK?” and I couldn’t send her any links on her work computer because that would be bad and she asked if she had forced me to see her drawing of Dean! Jessica Rabbit and she even had a semi-conceived comic idea and off we went for about an hour. If we don’t procrastinate to death we might actually do it. And if I do I will link it to here.
Yes. I am having the BPD manic episodes without the emotion behind it which is mostly just me not sleeping playing solitaire and listening to The Dresden Files audiobooks and going off on very long incoherent tangents about the first thing that pops into my head.