So my mom has some pretty concrete ideas of what she thinks holidays should be. And I try really hard to follow them, though some years it’s rougher than most.
As you may be aware, I’ve been having a hard time for a while. My depression and anxiety has eaten away at my soul. I look like hell. I’m a hot mess whenever things get stressful. I had two panic attacks this week alone.
But I have kept going. I don’t want to. I don’t want anything these days. Not for me. I’ve always been enthusiastic over my interests the way only geeks are. If I like it, chances are I’ve looked up everything I can about it. There was aquire by Ryan Phillipe on Playing By Heart. “I have an endless capacity for useless information.”
My go-to tag for a while was thequeenofrandom, because I love random trivia. Any topic, I can relate it to something, even if I know jack about the topic itself. In my head there are these random connections pulling everything together. And I often end up on obscure tangents.
Like now. What was I supposed to be talking about?
Easter. My cousin, Mandi, and I took the girls dress shopping. Not for church or a party. Just because Easter=get a nice outfit. And baskets. I usually get overpriced pre-made ones, but so many people I know are posting basket collections they’ve made, and the girls deserve something with thought to it. So we got those too.
Had to get mom to come get us off the side of the road because the tire went flat and no one had roadside assistance and Mandi couldn’t reach her fiancé and my cousin and mom were screaming at each other over the phone because she kept turning around. Then Kiera tried to run out into the road and I almost died right there. So scary.
Mom has started saying her doctor told her that she had a stroke. And that she won’t be here next easter. She actually texted me and said that “well its a good friday 4 u, u get ur wish dr said I had a stroke n wont b here nxt year to stress u out”
I mean… Who the fuck texts someone to say that. Mandi kept shaking her head. Being near mom was bad.
My brother’s girlfriend got taken to the hospital for gall bladder problems. Which is said but she started with “I know you don’t care, but-”
And then she mentioned her doctor told her she had gallstones, and how awful they are.
Which I know. Because I had them. Not bad enough to have a cholecystectomy, but I was vomiting so much I couldn’t walk.
I have a lot of physical stuff. I have a 2cm cyst on my pancreas. Hypothyroidism. Asthma. And I am horribly obese.
I don’t like to whine about the physical crap. I whine enough about the mental. But I’m not well at all. And I really feel like no one gives a thought at all about it.
But anyway. Dress shopping took no time at all. I had a lot of help. The girls were behaved. The tires are fixed. The baskets fixed. They’re doing eggs in the am before going with mom.
So we get to play Diablo on the Ps4 and not deal with either parent. And the girls have had spring break this week so the few hours away will be nice. I just hope she is nice.
She won’t be. But I hope they have fun despite her.
I’m ending this with a recent pic. This is hard for me. Very hard. I can’t bring myself to do a whole body pic. Because I know. I look like hell. But I’m alive.