One Year Gone

One day gone and I already missed your fallen grace,
One week gone but I still heard your words.
One month gone and I still woke up crying, 
Reaching for your hand,
One breath gone but it still lingersed on.

There are no words for this loss,
There’s no way to break this course.
And I can’t forget you even though I tried. 

Another morning without your taste,
Another dream of your embrace.
Another day gone and I’ve been standing still,
Waiting for your last call,
Another moment passesd and I am still alone.

There is no way to take it back,
There’s no hope along this track,
I wish I could forgive myself that one lie.

Three years back, I remember well,
Three months long, before there was hell,
Three lives ago when life had open doors,
You waited, reaching out your hand.
Three small words that faded in the wind.

I could rip the sky apart to meet you,
Stepping back through time.
To when you were kind and I was whole

But one year now and you are gone,
One hope dies without a sigh,
One breathe out and here I am alone.

An old poem, reworked. One year now. I can feel it behind the walls. A black tar that burns my mortar like acid.

Is it real or just my brain? I find it hard to trust my mind.  I wish I could change the characters in my story. In my head I’m the villain and he’s the prince and if only I was good enough. It feels like a failure of me. If I was worthy he would be here. But I’m not, so he couldn’t lower himself to be with me.

It was his choice. He chose this. He broke promises to both of us.

I hate promises. It feels like people love to tell you what you want to hear, but they never do what their pretty words promised. And I tell myself I deserve to be happy, but underneath, there’s the surety that I don’t.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

What do I deserve?

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2 thoughts on “One Year Gone

  1. You deserve peace and love. Him? I don’t know. The trite thing to say would be that he didn’t deserve you. I hope you find the love of someone who truly thinks you deserve each other.

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