Genetic Disposition to Pariahism

I dreamed about him. I dreamed that things were as they are now, except I could see him. He was working. I could see by his expression that he missed me. I dreamed that we talked. When I woke I felt calm. Comforted. Then reality reasserted itself and I remembered. And it hurt.

I listened to mom talk for two hours tonight. She was talking about my brother’s dad and how she didn’t want him back and why would she want someone who never treated her right  and I could hear in her voice that it hurt. I realized, we are the same. We give our trust to men who hurt us. We love those who never let us belong. It’s this longing that will never be fulfilled, because they never let us in.

There’s a line in one of my favorite songs. The meaning isn’t even close to what it sounds to me. It’s about Louis Peltier and how he was wrongly imprisoned. Honestly, I don’t care what the real meaning is. It’s Crazy Life by Toad the Wet Sprocket.

Anyway, it don’t seem right, he’s in there while you’re on the outside.

To me, those words were from one outsider to another. How some people are welcomed and included, while for someone like mom, or me, we’re always left watching from a strictly kept distance.

Like how I’ve always been into games and writing and somehow I had always been left out while even ex-wives were welcomed in. And no matter how hard I tried to be agreeable and accepting and whatever they wanted, I was never a part of anything.

“Anyway it don’t seem right, he’s in there while youre on the outside…”

Do you hear it now?

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