There were parallels. Between Meredith and me, Derek and him. I’d laughingly call myself his dirty mistress, and he’d give me that look. The beautiful soulful blue-eyed look with the crinkled edges that Derek would give her. The one that said, “I see you. I see your scars and you’re beautiful because they are there.”
Meredith got her happy ending. Even broken and damaged, all the fights and heartache because of him, in the end they got their post-it wedding and kids and the house and all the misery was gone and he finally realized he was the one who needed her.
And I thought, “That is us in an alternate universe. Somewhere else these things worked out and another me has her happy ending.
But now McDreamy is dead. All the struggle and hurt and love. Gone. Never to come back. McDreamy is dead and now I am alone in two worlds. He’s not dead, but he’s never coming back.
It was a sneaky way of keeping hope. A stupid half-thought that I counted on to not face the reality. But now it’s over. It’s over because my half-thought of hope was taken away. He’s not dead like thecharqcter, but now the hole will be there. Even going back and rewatchibg, I’ll know and it will taint the joy that I imagine, just like the way memories become tarnished by betrayal.
Now waking up, the hole is there. Will always be there. But I have to get up. I have to eat. I have to take care of my daughters, and I have to be a daughter, a mother, a niece, a friend. Even with a person shaped hole. I knew this. But now I feel it completely. The fiction of two characters has made me feel my own loss and showed me that the hope wasn’t dead no matter how much I said it was, because now I see the truth of the feeling. I can’t hide from reality even though I want to. I have to keep moving because if I don’t it will consume me.
I don’t even want hope. I can’t bear the loss again.
And Emma’s birthday party is the second and he and she might be there. I dont want to see. But I can’t let it punish my kids or Emma or Alicia by not going.