There. A. Pea.

Therapist says I should go to the party. At which point the rebellious part of my brain said, “Nope. You can’t make me nyahnyah ”

But I’ll go. Allie has been my friend since we were eight. Fucking EIGHT. That’s like… Five lifetimes ago. I don’t have anything that old. So she’s like… Valuable. I can be my weird self. She is funny and smart and I like to see her.

The girls really want to go. 

I’m terrified. I don’t want to even exist in the same air as them. Not out of a hate thing. Out of a “My heart can’t know what I’ll never have.” shattering. I can’t see him. I can’t see them. Times like these I wish I was a drinker. With money to drink.

Which is the exact opposite of what I felt yesterday, but oh well.

She (Therapist) said I seem to be dealing emotionally.  Or that I seem to be, anyway, more than I had been. Seem to be (cautious yeses, Dear Patient).

Sorry. I’ve slept three hours in as many days. I’m so loopy right now. What was I saying? Oh yeah.

I told her I’m doing better because I wordvomit it out on here (not those words, better words).

I’ve been listening to a lot of One Less Reason lately. Every song makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time. Their lyrics feel like Truth.

Oh. I forgot the other day to mention my worst April news. Worst because it affects my kids, not because it’s worse than Jamie getting burnt. Yes, I’m overqualifying this.

So, yeah. The lice thing. You have to bag up dolls and such, right?  My cousin stuck the bag by the back door. Then we did the Pre-Inspection Superclean. And guess what?

Every. Single. Christmas Present. They Got.  Gone.

They cried. I felt awful. Nate took off, texting “It’s not my fault I can’t handle this I just want to die”  And I blamed myself. I should’ve known better than to not triple check after them. But I took the girls aside and told them that there’s nothing that can be done now. It isn’t the first time we lost everything and I doubt it would be the last. I promised I would get them something on the first, because they brought up their grades and they deserve it. But yeah. Helpless. Horrible. All my fault.

I need to sleep now. Agh.


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