My worst secret, the most horrible terrible secret, is that I am terrified. About death. About dying. About after.

I used to have faith. I don’t even remember going to church very much, but I would pray and talk to God constantly.  I believed in the Plan, and souls moving on and Heaven holding loved ones and if you were kind and good and believed you would be surrounded in that joy and peace.

I want to believe. I want to have Faith. But I am so scared. What if it’s wrong?  What if it’s false hope and there’s nothing?  The thought of not existing, of my daughters, my mom, the people I have loved, not existing, horrified me and keeps me up pacing and sobbing at night. I used to love the night. I used to feel peaceful. But now I’m just filled with sorrow and homeless dread.

How do people hope? I want to have faith. Howdy you have faith? I know some people are agnostic and atheist or any of the numerous beliefs all over the world… Who is right and who is wrong and how do the ones who believe we cease stand breathing because I am so scared and I feel alone and abandoned by everyone and Everyone and how do they keeping? How do they keep breathing?

No one has ever talked about this feeling with me. Well… I’ve tried. I would be John or Nathan to tell me. Tell me it’s okay and my fears are false and it will be okay. But Howland I really be assured unless someone shows me? How do people have faith? How do they let go and just believe?


One thought on “Dread

  1. I wish I had an answer to that, but I don’t believe so I would be poor comfort. Stay strong. People find comfort in faith, and they don’t question that faith. Works for them.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s