Down

I lost it. 

Just a few minutes ago. 

I had been numb enough for a few days. Even saying out loud, “You know… I’m glad I’m going to stay single.  I’m glad everything happened and I don’t have to deal with relationship crap. I’m better off.”

Meds, I’m sure. I’d even believed it. Then the stupidest thing. We’ve been watching Parks and Recs. Stupid show. But there are some amusing bits.  Then Ben knelt in front of Leslie and she said, “Wait. I want to remember this moment.  I want to remember how perfect my life is right now.”

My life is empty.  I’ve been struggling just to get out of this chair. But I got to the point that I didn’t care. Because I am used to everything being shitty. I’m used to being worried that I can pay my bills up til the last second. I’m used to being tired. I’m used to hurting all the time. I’m used to knowing that I am not someone would ever want, so I don’t have to worry about being in a relationship and being abandoned.  I know that ten years from now I’ll still be alone. I know that it won’t get easier. Ever. It will just keep getting worse until I drown.

But I saw what anyone else can have. And it made me break.

“I hear sound, echo in the emptiness. All around, but you can’t change this loneliness. Look what you’ve found I’m going down.”   -Down, by Something Corporate

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