I am not well.
I haven’t slept for days. I tried. It’s not happening. I have melatonin at the pharmacy but no way to get it. And I had to discontinue the Elavil so I’m without any antidepressant in my brain and it’s scary just how On my brain is, but with no direction.
I used to do this. But I could lose myself in writing and it was so electrifying. But I still can’t write. Even though at this moment the hurt is gone and the hope isn’t a memory. I can’t.
I was finally able to get in with a psychiatrist. Seven months. But I went in and for the first time, someone looked past the depression and said “We need to calm down your brain. You can’t level out if you end up crashing so down you can’t function.”
So. Abilify. I’m worried as hell about the side effects. There are some scary ones. Like “Over ten percent has excessive weight gain” and “Cases of sudden unexplained death”. Which, given the whole severe manic anxiety thing, I think, “I know how my crappy dice lands.” This dread and terror and the whole empty please for my brain to relax. To wish for slices of normalcy. Why not me?
Please let me sleep. Please. And a good dream? They’ve been so dark lately. So exhausting. I need rest.