A text

I sent mom a long text. It’s an ultimatum. Not because I’m angry, but because I need to stop the cycles of misery I’m in with the people who are supposed to love me.
Posting it because I need to remember when I’m lost again:

I’m texting because I can’t seem to get my thoughts out on the phone. I am going g to tell you the same thing I told Nathan.
I am not well. And you picking fights with me is not helping. Your first priority is to take care of yourself and that’s fine, that’s good. But you have to let me do the same for me. Every time you send me a hateful text letting me know just how much I fail as a person my blood pressure skyrockets. And I’ve never had that problem so it is hurting my body really badly. And since I’m fat and weak it is  sprinting toward “stroke and die”  if this doesn’t mean anything to you, then do me a favor and just tell me. It will be awful because I do love you, but I don’t want to die more. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am not being a bitch. But I’m not letting you keep control over how we are to each other because the yo-yo of “I only love you when things go my way” is killing me. If you want us to be in each other’s lives, you have to let me try to fix myself. And that might mean I can’t answer the phone sometimes. But you have to stop.

I am not, nor have I ever said you can’t see the girls. Cali has a phone and they both can talk to you on it anytime.

They can come over whenever you all want

You and Nathan are the ones who threaten to steal my children when you don’t get your ways.

I don’t want to fight. But I have to give an ultimatum.

I can’t live this way and be healthy. We can get frustrated with one another without it becoming a huge end all fight.

If you want you and I to still talk,  I do too. But you have to face that I’m in bad shape too, and my first priority has to be me and the girls, then you, then anyone else.

I slept for thirteen hours last night because I crashed and I have energy finally but I hurt all over like I’m pmsing, migraine, car crash, pancreatic, and galleries attack all in one. And I’m not used to the blood pressure stuff because mine has always stayed low and it’s scaring me.

I love you and I don’t want to fight but I’m not going to back down from anyone else, partly because I’m so agitated from the high bp but also I’m tired of being jerked around by everyone else’s mood swings.


6 thoughts on “A text

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