ARGH

I slept for an hour. Then Kiera woke me and I’ve been lying here since.

Tried watching Pet Sematary Two but the router keeps resetting and I’m too tired to keep dealing with the Xbox and Netflix. So I have music on low and I’m curled up on the couch.

It’s been a weird life lately. There are good things, which I’m afraid will implode, and the usual bad.

The meds actually give me energy. Or at least, they make me have the desire to move. I’ve been more active, which is great.

But… I can’t sleep longer than two hours at a time. And after about twenty minutes the drive wears off and I get weak and shaky. And my panic attacks are still awful. I had one today while Patty and Steven argued where I covered my head and curled up in a fetal position. I tried calling a friend for help talking me through it, but… Saturday night,  everyone is busy living. But it got… Sorta… Resolved.

I love my cousin and aunt, but they need to calm the fuck down. Every conversation doesn’t have to end in screaming.

Nathan fucked us big time. He was supposed to start a new job last Monday. But his Id was expired. And he STILL HASN’T GOTTEN A NEW ONE. They told him to go get a new one and he could get in the next training class.

But dammit. They won’t call him back now. He promised he’d start paying child support. He promised to help with their birthdays. As it is important sorting through clothes to sell on Facebook to get the gifts and party things that my cousin can’t help with. It’s fucked up that two disabled fuckups are taking care of everything.

I want Nathan to find a girlfriend. Or friends. And go. I don’t mind seeing him. But he is right in the middle of my home and won’t go. And I can’t make him and I can’t ask for help and I don’t want to hurt the girls more than they’ve already endured with everything.

Tired. I really want to sleep. I’m so tired of being sad.

I want to feel safeDammit. I miss being pretty. I miss being funny and smart. I miss being someone who could be loved.

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