Many things

I had a full blown passing out panic attack last night. Stephen saw it coming on before I was even aware and talked me through it. That was terrible and embarrassing.

My mom’s best friend died. Lung cancer. A long, hard downhill slide. I can’t even process it. I wanted to write about her but I can’t.

My friends Alicia and Ted bought the girls aloft bed, a mattress. And a comforter. I am so blessed without friends, I really am.

My second bad moment came while Ted was tightening screws and his phone rang. I heard him. I heard him and almost got sick.

I’m still not better. I’m just better at avoiding the thought of him. But the moment he appears in my head it’s exactly the same. Why do I let it affect me so badly? I know better. I know it’s over. I know I’m better off. But it still hurts. Dammit.

I wanted to write. I had an idea. Maybe… But Idk. I don’t think I’m ready.

What I’m going to really talk about, my focus, is thiS.

I was told by my ob that I have pcos, but heart prescribe me anything as long as I’m on the Abilify because it causes weight gain. Well, finally got ahold of my psychiatrist and he says he’s only going to give me medicine in that class.

So, I have to choose. Treat the PCOS which could make me physically healthy, but risk losing my mind, or keep trying the meds I’m on so I won’t lose my chance at disability, even though by the time it’s through I’m afraid I’ll be the lady whose house is cut open to get her fat ass  out when she dies.

What the hell am I supposed to do?  I have noone to talk to about it. I feel trapped. Not to mention…  I thought the whole point of going to Frontier Health was so I could try new types that ETSU couldn’t prescribe. So it’s all been some damned trap. And I can’t switch either because there are no choices where I live with my insurance. Dammit.

Anyway. Vent over. Whine over.  Babble over. I’m tired now… And so very sad. A deep in my bones sad. I want one amazing thing to happen. Just one good thing.

I am tired of hurting. I am tired of sorrow. I wish I’d never felt this. I wish I’d never fallen in love.

“Hunger”
Of Monsters and Men

You are right, I’ll move on
But my lungs feel so small
I couldn’t breathe if I tried
I lay my head on the floor
My beating heart wanting more
But I’ll keep it in and keep you out

I’m drowning, I’m drowning
I’m drowning, I’m drowning

But for the longest time I knew
There was nothing left for us to do
But I tried, oh, I tried
And in this quiet company
There is nothing staring back at me
I’m in need of the sound

Hungry for the kill, but this hunger, it isn’t you
Voices disappear when you are speaking, in somber tunes
I will be the wolf and when you’re starving, you’ll need it too
Hungry for the kill, but this hunger, it isn’t you
It isn’t you, it isn’t

And I’ll go talk to fill the void,
Let me go cause you are just a shade
Of what I am, not what I’ll be
But in this quiet company
I forget sometimes just how to breathe
Fill my lungs with the sound

Hungry for the kill, but this hunger, it isn’t you
Voices disappear when you are speaking, in somber tunes
I will be the wolf and when you’re starving, you’ll need it too
Hungry for the kill, but this hunger, it isn’t you
It isn’t you, it isn’t

I’m drowning, I’m drowning
I’m drowning, I’m drowning
I’m drowning, I’m drowning
I’m drowning, I’m drowning

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