Blahdeblah

  1. Lying on the couch waiting for sleep to take me. I am going to put my phone down and not pick it up until five am, time to get Cali up for school.

This new medication is not good. I’ve been weepy for two days, nauseous for a week. My therapist said she’d talk to the prescribing nurse and get me in to see her, and texted me to let me know I’m talking to her next week.

I know there’s no Magic Normality Pill, but I’m just so tired of going from sad to empty back to sad. Everyone around me has at least one really good day every now and again,  and I want that too. That’s all. I’m not asking for riches or beauty or epic love, just some okay days.

It hit me today that I’ve even stopped listening to music. No new songs, no old songs… I can’t remember the last time I cut on my mp3 player. I think the last song I listened to was when I played the Supernatural parody by Hillywood in Youtube. I don’t know if it counts since it’s a parody.

I don’t know why I’ve been so upset lately. Things have been okay. The kids are fine, Nathan has been helping me with my bills more since he’s working,  and except for today we’ve gotten along fine. It’s like my brain has short circuited and I lost the capacity for positive things. My therapist would call it “stinkin’ thinkin'” and remind me me to try to stop.

I want to look forward to something again. A book, an event, I don’t know. A new pair of socks. I feel like I’m drowning in a cold, black sea, salty with the stupid, cheesy tears. Every word out of my mouth sounds like a ridiculous emo song and I hate it.

Which makes me think of the very best comic I’ve seen about depression. You should read it.

And now is the time to hit post and put my phone away. Wish me luck…

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