I have borderline personality disorder. It is a part of me, a really big part, because it defines every surface thought I have, my self esteem, my relationships with the people around me.
I’ve spent a lot of my life believing that I was sub-par to everyone around me. I don’t take compliments or acts of kindness towards me well. Deep down I’ve always believed that I didn’t deserve them. At the same time I’m praying that someone notices this and convinces me that I’m extraordinary, that I’m beautiful and smart and a good person and that they love me.
More than anything, I’ve always been searching for love. To be understood and accepted as I am and important, although if I’m treated thus I grow wary, certain it’s going to fall apart. I’m always waiting on the day they leave.
Things have changed, I have changed. Yet I’m still the same in so many ways. I’m going to try to be better at posting, either to have a record of who I am, or to share my story, or just to get things out.
This is about the maximum I can handle for now. My therapist, Meredith, newish, but I really like her so far, says that any attempt is considered a success if you put your effort or heart in it, so that’s what I’m going to try to do. Here we go…