*Ding* Level Up

I love achievements. I readily admit I’m an achievement whore. Every video game I play, I always play toward getting them. They’re like Pokemon, “gotta catch ’em all”.

It’s a lovely feeling. It’s like when you were in kindergarten and the teacher would put the star stickers OR, if you were lucky, the scratch and sniff stickers on your work. A cheevo popping is like that banana sticker on your spelling test. “GOOD JOB, YOU!”  it proclaims loudly.

I wish real life were that way.

“Ding! You just graduated!”

“Ding! You just had your first baby!”

Even the bad stuff wouldn’t be so awful if you were rewarded with that ole “Hey! You TOTALLY survived your first hangover!” or “Ding! You got dumped!” It would make Facebook messages so much better, you know? We could see past the bullshit comments of “#lovin’life” and “#screwyouRegina” or whatever. I think 4square was a wee bit close. “Ding! You are eating at Steak and Shake!” Or wherever. I don’t go out to eat, since that would require leaving my apartment.

Chris Hardwick, the adorable Nerdist, wrote a book in the early days of his geekpire, which is like an empire, but full of cosplayers and dudes in bowties and fezes (Whovians Represent!). The book was called The Nerdist Way, and it is basically taking the trials and tribulations of life and tricking your brain into turning everything into an RPG, giving yourself XP or leveling when you get past the milestones you set. I was given it as a gift from a friend of mine, and I haven’t finished it yet, but so far I adore it and am at the point where I am recommending it left and right. I might even eventually post my character sheet when I make it.

I actually felt… okay… the past two days. Like, for real okay. No misery. No missing pieces in my heart. Right now the shields are in place. I don’t know how long they’ll stay up, and I couldn’t by any means call myself happy, but I think they have finally found the right mg of depression meds to give me.

I almost lost that okay feeling earlier because my ex-husband was being a total FFDB. Okay, maybe not total, I am probably prejudiced against him by now, but he does this thing where when he feels like crap he is grouchy and hateful and there’s this black cloud of darkness that permeates around him and it makes me super-anxious because I’m hyper-vigilant about other people’s moods, and he often takes a condescending tone with me.

For example it’s “You THINK that’s what you said, but it isn’t.” No, motherfucker, that IS what I said. I hate it. And if he does something particularly douchy and I call him on it, he tells me that I’m overemotional and need to talk to my therapist because I’m crazy. I don’t think it’s crazy to not want to be screamed at in my own apartment by the man I divorced. I don’t think it’s crazy to get frustrated when I asked him three times what food he wanted to get when I made the grocery list and he said he wasn’t going to eat, and then he bought himself hummus and cheesebread, which wasn’t on the list and put me over what I have to pay my mother back when I get money on the first.  Oh and he ate three times since he returned with the groceries, despite shrieking “I’M NOT GOING TO EAT ANY G-D FOOD!”

But yes, I realize I get overly upset. I can’t handle normal differences in opinion some days, much less someone telling me I’m wrong or implying they are superior and I’m lesser because I have no emotional skin. If I perceive the message that someone thinks I am stupid, I really lose it. Like Marty McFly being called “chicken”. And he knows how to work me, twist me around and fluster me and get me to the point that I am weeping and I want to claw his eyes out.

I promise, I am not a violent person. And it’s something severe that could make me feel that way, because this medication has made everything inside me numb.

So anyway. Life needs Achievement pop-ups. It would make everyone so much more productive. There have been multiple psychological tests and papers and studies about achievement motivation. Also, as someone who is suffering from a disorder that forces me to need approval, it’s so satisfying to have some sort of acknowledgement that I am accomplishing things.

laundry

Even if it’s as mundane as sorting the laundry.

Oh, and check this out. My youngest daughter is a regular Cool-Hand Luke.

This video is all sorts of satisfying for those of us with even the mildest OCD.

Good… well… morning. I forgot to take my meds, so I am apparently not sleeping tonight. (I also recognize I may be in the beginning stages of a manic episode and am sort of glad I don’t have any money to binge-spend or the desire to make another horribly bad relationship decision.)

Laters.

Really going now. Um… bye. Or whatever.