Ask Me Anything

So the cover to this movie is so misleading. It has Britt Roberson, who I adore, wearing an oversized man’s suitshirt and tie, looking a little coy, with some sideshots of various men. It makes it look like a cute, funny movie. Probably with a great indie soundtrack.

Then we watched it.

It was painful to see. So many triggers. Horrible relationship choices, check. Childhood molestation, check. Bad father, check. Her therapist even advises her to write a letter to someone who hurt her in the past, which is what mine has said to me, as recent as yesterday.

Don’t get me wrong. Anything with Britt in it is awesome. But seeing her on the screen. Hearing the way she spoke, the things she said, the way she would dismiss something when it forced her to see herself and the mistakes she was making, the way those around her didn’t know how to handle her, saying things that would help with any normal person but to someone with BPD it’s the exact opposite..She even had a blog. It was upsetting and eye-opening and the soundtrack actually was pretty good.

My therapist listened when I told her that I really felt I have BPD. It’s the first time since.. well… the first time a therapist said it when I was 19, that anyone listened when I said it. She thinks it is probably co-existent with bi-polar, which basically means I’m probably a handful.

364 days. I hear the echoes of it in the back of my head. I don’t feel it in my skin anymore. The thought of it brings a sharp stab of bitter anger and I flinch mentally from it. Which might mean I’m healing. I’m afraid it’s just the start to a manic episode left over from all the crap that’s happened in April so far.I hate April. I wish I could hibernate through it.

No song tonight. I have no music in my head. Too much static.