Creative Standstill

I am an idea person. I have these plans and ideas and thoughts and if I could do everything I think of, I would have so much accomplished. But thinking and doing are two separate things, and I am pretty sure the creative connection has shorted out.

Like, I want to do AMVs. I hear songs and I think, “This would be great paired with so-and-so,” and I’ll have the song and the video downloaded but when it comes time to put it together I get overwhelmed and just stop.

Or with writing. I haven’t written in over a year. A lot of my block is because I made someone real my muse, everything I wrote I wanted him to read, and now he won’t read anything, will never read anything I’ve written again, and it freezes me.

I miss having that connection. I miss having someone to talk to and create with. We had so many stories we would write together. And now that’s gone.

I need to find a way to write for myself again. But I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do. I’m blocked.

I knew it was unhealthy to place that on his shoulders. I didn’t expect to lose him, not to this degree. Where I no longer exist. Which is also unhealthy to think. It’s like on that movie, The Holiday, when Arthur looks at Kate Winslet’s character and says, ” Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.”

I’ve given myself a bit part in my own life and I don’t know how to change that. I’ve spent so long worrying about how others see me and wanting to be everything to everyone (yay Everclear) and finally feeling like no one because I’ve made poor relationship choices and it ends, badly, always badly.

On another note, my cousin introduced me to Sia. The song “Elastic Heart”, you know, the one that small-minded idiots say is pedophilic, but it’s really totally not. The first time I heard the lyrics, I broke down. Completely. Like the wailing, fetal-position, raw-throat breakdown. The video is an adult male and young girl performing interpretive dance as the two warring sides of Sia’s personality, the reason (Shia Lebouf) and the emotion (Maddie Ziegler).

I think it is amazing and emotional and heartbreaking. But if you want to know how it feels to e struggling to pull yourself out of the dark, all you have to do is hear this song, but first you have to know the lyrics, so I’m leaving them here for you.

Elastic Heart

And another one bites the dust
Oh why can I not conquer love?
And I might have thought that we were one
Wanted to fight this war without weapons

And I wanted it, I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah, let’s be clear, I’ll trust no one

You did not break me
I’m still fighting for peace

Well, I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade—it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
Yeah, I may snap and I move fast
But you won’t see me fall apart
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

I’ve got an elastic heart
Yeah, I’ve got an elastic heart

And I will stay up through the night
Let’s be clear, won’t close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I’ll walk through fire to save my life

And I want it, I want my life so bad
I’m doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It’s hard to lose a chosen one

You did not break me
(you did not break me, no)
I’m still fighting for peace

[3x]
Well, I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade—it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
Yeah, I may snap and I move fast
But you won’t see me fall apart
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

I’ve got an elastic heart

Advertisements