Rainy Day Promises

There are people who have it worse than me.

That’s what someone says when they think you’re just feeling sorry for yourself. And it’s true. There are baby girls in China and children in warzones and homeless in New York and so many other people who are suffering in ways I can’t even imagine.

But the thing is, I’m not any of those people. I’m me. I am living my life with all its misery and it is intolerable. I am trapped in this body with this mother and this history and I have tried to make a life but every step forward the floor is crumbling beneath me. I have no control, and when I try to take control someone completely ruins it and I’m back in the ditch where I belong.

I don’t trust. Every promise is just someone stalling. If someone says “I’m going to -” I immediately think “Lies.” Noone ever does what their “going to” do. When I was a kid, my brother’s dad would promise to fix things on a rainy day, because he had to work all the time otherwise. But the rainy day would never come, because when he was off he was up the hill at his parents, or at his brother’s and the rainy day promises were left to fall apart.

It’s depressing how many broken promises start out that way. And they’re often unprovoked. Someone will be all “I’m going to do this for you.” And I know that it’ll never happen. Even if i say it, because my life isn’t in my control so I can’t keep my word even if I plan and fight and scream and work at it. And then I’m unreliable and I lose friends and I’m left alone with only him and then he gets his way and I am left with nothing.  Promises are never made to be kept.

I want out of my life. I want out of my skin. I am never going to have a real life and I’m so tired now. He’s got his headset on and applying for jobs and crying, and I can’t say anything. If I do he’ll mindwarp me and confuse me when he needs to help. Nathan is supposed to be helping me, that’s why he’s here, but he doesn’t until I beg him and we fight and he completely screws everything up and he’s only applying as some weird form of payback. I am sitting on my couch and the girls are upstairs doing a project and my cousin is watching some shark horror movie and I feel so sick and alone

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Genetic Disposition to Pariahism

I dreamed about him. I dreamed that things were as they are now, except I could see him. He was working. I could see by his expression that he missed me. I dreamed that we talked. When I woke I felt calm. Comforted. Then reality reasserted itself and I remembered. And it hurt.

I listened to mom talk for two hours tonight. She was talking about my brother’s dad and how she didn’t want him back and why would she want someone who never treated her right  and I could hear in her voice that it hurt. I realized, we are the same. We give our trust to men who hurt us. We love those who never let us belong. It’s this longing that will never be fulfilled, because they never let us in.

There’s a line in one of my favorite songs. The meaning isn’t even close to what it sounds to me. It’s about Louis Peltier and how he was wrongly imprisoned. Honestly, I don’t care what the real meaning is. It’s Crazy Life by Toad the Wet Sprocket.

Anyway, it don’t seem right, he’s in there while you’re on the outside.

To me, those words were from one outsider to another. How some people are welcomed and included, while for someone like mom, or me, we’re always left watching from a strictly kept distance.

Like how I’ve always been into games and writing and somehow I had always been left out while even ex-wives were welcomed in. And no matter how hard I tried to be agreeable and accepting and whatever they wanted, I was never a part of anything.

“Anyway it don’t seem right, he’s in there while youre on the outside…”

Do you hear it now?