April? Nope, Always a Fool

Trigger Warning************************************

Rage issues. Abandonment issues. Depersonalization. Loneliness. Feelings of inadequacy. Some very very low points.

Yesterday could only be described as hideous. I completely lost my shit. I no longer existed. For a while, there was this shrieking banshee in my place.

The following formula is a constant:

I need help with something and Nathan promises he will take care of it. He doesn’t. I ask my mother for help.

She agrees after about an hour of telling me that I never pay her back ever and all I do is take and I’d better not be lying. I tell her there shouldn’t be a problem, because there shouldn’t be.

Every day, multiple times, since that point, I will receive a call and/or a text reminding me that she really needs whatever I borrowed back. I say whatever but it is usually money for food.

The day comes and I am specific about what I want Nathan to pay. I give him a list. This day is the only day he hops up without trouble. He goes out.

My mother calls multiple times. I call Nathan looking for him to make sure he is going to pay her back immediately.

Now here is where the two things branch out.

Timeline A: He pays her back. She calls and expresses her awe that we didn’t screw her over, and then reminds me again of all the times I have screwed up and how it puts her out. Which is valid, because I screw everything up. But it’s like listening to a woodpecker, right outside your bedroom wall. Peckpeckpeckpeckpeck… And I think I can’t ask her anymore. I can do without. But then the girls will go without so give in and ask. Meanwhile he bitches and complains about having to pay her back and how she shouldn’t hold that over my head so much so I’m pretty much bombarded on both sides.

Timeline B: He gets home and he has not paid her back. And he no longer has the money. So now I’m a liar. And usually I call her and she starts yelling at me. Telling me all I do is lie and I don’t love her and I am an awful daughter and she gave up so much and brought herself down to take care of me and I’m a shitty parent and when I give in and she breaks me down she says I’m throwing a pity party. Or we fight and fight and fight and fight, and then Nathan gets in on it and reminds her of things she’s said that she swears she never said (she did, but it was during manic moments so she may not actually remember) and they scream and fight and I get upset at Nathan and he and I fight and then mom starts threatening to do things that I can’t even type and then he’s telling me how I said this and that and everything becomes a big mess and I go to bed.

Today when Timeline B started I just lost it. Complete nuclear meltdown. Screaming. I told him I despised him and I wish I never had to see him. I locked myself in the bathroom for fifteen minutes, and when I got out I yelled down and told him HE had to call mom and explain to her. And when he said he would in a little bit I screeched some more and he told me our friend Stephen was here. He has this thing about people knowing his business. He’s got this facade that I am mentally ill and he is trying so hard but all I do is bring him down and he doesn’t like it when I don’t hide how I’m feeling. In fact this time I told him I didn’t give a fuck if Jesus Christ had descended down from the Heavens and wanted me to be quiet.

I lost it so badly Stephen took me a side and talked, he tried to comfort me as best he could, but I think I scared him. I have always turned my annoyance inward when he or Mandi are around, but today I just let it all go like an explosion. I had to physically restrain myself from shattering dishes. Or hurting myself. I came close.

Especially when he actually did call mom and they did their thing where they are screaming back and forth and mom is calling me names and he actually screamed back and told her that I am the best and most honorable and honest person he’s ever known. Which sounds nice but when it’s him on the other end I don’t know what I’m talking about or remembering and I need to get more medication because I’m crazy. They’re just alike. I’m like a man because I married someone with my mother’s personality. They’re both bi-polar. They are neither one properly medicated. Mom only sees me as an extension of herself. I’m not her daughter. I’m not a person. I’m the one she vents at, and the one she can blame when her life goes sour because it’s always my fault. Nathan just uses me for a place besides his dad’s to stay. He doesn’t like me. I’m pretty sure he never really did.

There are people out there that have love. They have support. They have someone who actually looks forward to spending time with them. They are loved.

It’s almost been a year.

This is one of those nights that I really just wish everything was over. There’s no joy left. I can’t remember what it felt like. I can’t remember hope. I feel so alone. The people who were supposed to love me the most have all made me feel like I’m nothing. And maybe on the outside that sounds like a pity party. But I’m not exaggerating. This is what my heart feels.

One song isn’t going to cover it. It’s a plethora of hurt like an infection in my soul, rotting me from the inside out.

John. Because every time something like this happens it hits me that he left me here. He knew these things, and he still left me in it.

Nathan. How could someone try so hard to keep someone else down in the gutter? And I feel like running, so often. But I’m so weak. I still can barely leave the house. I feel so pathetic and worthless.

I can’t even. My mother. I finally messaged her and told her I can’t do this anymore. That she will get her money tomorrow (which was the beginning of it, she didn’t want to wait a day although she didn’t need it immediately.) I understand she was frustrated. I get it. But I can’t take it anymore. I can’t fight anymore. Cali has a phone now. If mom wants to see them or talk to them she can call Cali. They can stay the night with her whenever they or she wants. But I’m done.

I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I just want everything to stop. I want out of this life. I can’t live this way anymore. I can’t bear this over and over and over . But I can’t get away.

*Ding* Level Up

I love achievements. I readily admit I’m an achievement whore. Every video game I play, I always play toward getting them. They’re like Pokemon, “gotta catch ’em all”.

It’s a lovely feeling. It’s like when you were in kindergarten and the teacher would put the star stickers OR, if you were lucky, the scratch and sniff stickers on your work. A cheevo popping is like that banana sticker on your spelling test. “GOOD JOB, YOU!”  it proclaims loudly.

I wish real life were that way.

“Ding! You just graduated!”

“Ding! You just had your first baby!”

Even the bad stuff wouldn’t be so awful if you were rewarded with that ole “Hey! You TOTALLY survived your first hangover!” or “Ding! You got dumped!” It would make Facebook messages so much better, you know? We could see past the bullshit comments of “#lovin’life” and “#screwyouRegina” or whatever. I think 4square was a wee bit close. “Ding! You are eating at Steak and Shake!” Or wherever. I don’t go out to eat, since that would require leaving my apartment.

Chris Hardwick, the adorable Nerdist, wrote a book in the early days of his geekpire, which is like an empire, but full of cosplayers and dudes in bowties and fezes (Whovians Represent!). The book was called The Nerdist Way, and it is basically taking the trials and tribulations of life and tricking your brain into turning everything into an RPG, giving yourself XP or leveling when you get past the milestones you set. I was given it as a gift from a friend of mine, and I haven’t finished it yet, but so far I adore it and am at the point where I am recommending it left and right. I might even eventually post my character sheet when I make it.

I actually felt… okay… the past two days. Like, for real okay. No misery. No missing pieces in my heart. Right now the shields are in place. I don’t know how long they’ll stay up, and I couldn’t by any means call myself happy, but I think they have finally found the right mg of depression meds to give me.

I almost lost that okay feeling earlier because my ex-husband was being a total FFDB. Okay, maybe not total, I am probably prejudiced against him by now, but he does this thing where when he feels like crap he is grouchy and hateful and there’s this black cloud of darkness that permeates around him and it makes me super-anxious because I’m hyper-vigilant about other people’s moods, and he often takes a condescending tone with me.

For example it’s “You THINK that’s what you said, but it isn’t.” No, motherfucker, that IS what I said. I hate it. And if he does something particularly douchy and I call him on it, he tells me that I’m overemotional and need to talk to my therapist because I’m crazy. I don’t think it’s crazy to not want to be screamed at in my own apartment by the man I divorced. I don’t think it’s crazy to get frustrated when I asked him three times what food he wanted to get when I made the grocery list and he said he wasn’t going to eat, and then he bought himself hummus and cheesebread, which wasn’t on the list and put me over what I have to pay my mother back when I get money on the first.  Oh and he ate three times since he returned with the groceries, despite shrieking “I’M NOT GOING TO EAT ANY G-D FOOD!”

But yes, I realize I get overly upset. I can’t handle normal differences in opinion some days, much less someone telling me I’m wrong or implying they are superior and I’m lesser because I have no emotional skin. If I perceive the message that someone thinks I am stupid, I really lose it. Like Marty McFly being called “chicken”. And he knows how to work me, twist me around and fluster me and get me to the point that I am weeping and I want to claw his eyes out.

I promise, I am not a violent person. And it’s something severe that could make me feel that way, because this medication has made everything inside me numb.

So anyway. Life needs Achievement pop-ups. It would make everyone so much more productive. There have been multiple psychological tests and papers and studies about achievement motivation. Also, as someone who is suffering from a disorder that forces me to need approval, it’s so satisfying to have some sort of acknowledgement that I am accomplishing things.

laundry

Even if it’s as mundane as sorting the laundry.

Oh, and check this out. My youngest daughter is a regular Cool-Hand Luke.

This video is all sorts of satisfying for those of us with even the mildest OCD.

Good… well… morning. I forgot to take my meds, so I am apparently not sleeping tonight. (I also recognize I may be in the beginning stages of a manic episode and am sort of glad I don’t have any money to binge-spend or the desire to make another horribly bad relationship decision.)

Laters.

Really going now. Um… bye. Or whatever.